Kids and Restaurants

[Kristi]

While writing a recent article on dining out with preschoolers, I received a lot of great ideas from HARO (Help A Reporter Out) respondents concerning ways to keep young kids occupied.

However, one email I received stood out from the rest. Here is (in part) what it said:

I come from an extended, multi-cultural family that has been in the restaurant business for over a hundred years in several countries. So the observations that I share are probably a bit archaic on one hand, but practical on the other.

1. Get a baby sitter. It is no more fair or polite to bring a young child to a nice quite restaurant and expect people to accept a noisy kid than for a couple to go to Chucky Cheese and start telling everyone to shut up so that they can have a romantic dinner for two.

2. The French who know and love food and take pride in their restaurants often allow dogs, but not children in their establishments. There may be a lesson there.

3. There are restaurants that strive for that middle ground of family friendly, yet nice. They never work, but God bless them for trying. Kinda of like Las Vegas trying to be a family vacation town--what a joke.

4. Some parents are capable of teaching their children to politely and quietly eat in restaurants--- is it over medication or time, call child welfare or a miracle?

This email struck a nerve with me, and forced me to examine exactly where I stand on eating in restaurants with small children. After all, I have three of them, and we do eat out as a family (although very rarely).

My overall response was complete outrage, especially at points two and four. Who is this person to suggest that children not ever be taken out to eat? How else will they learn proper public behavior? Is he suggesting that parents not dine out with their kids until their children are teenagers (or maybe not even then)?

And yet as asinine as this man's email was (and completely off-topic, because I was soliciting input for people who had already decided to dine out with their kids) I do agree with one of his points. I would not bring my 2.5-year-old daughter and my 8-month-old twins to a nice restaurant, no matter how well behaved I think they are.

While it's true that adult diners can be just as loud and disruptive as children, young kids are much more likely to exhibit behavior that disturbs others. Temper-tantrums, whining, throwing silverware or toys, or just talking (or babbling) loudly and exuberantly are all normal, age-appropriate behaviors. I'm not faulting kids for being kids. My own have PhDs in exactly this kind of stuff. And yes, it's their parents' responsibility to leave when the kids get out-of-control. But what's everyday kid noise (and therefore nothing worthy of a reprimand) to some parents can be extremely disruptive to other diners (such as to the couple escaping the din of their house of 3 under 3 for a rare date night and who want to sit as far away from the family with little kids in the upscale restaurant they chose). Yes, this is me and my husband.

I remember what it was like to dine out with my husband as a couple, before we had children. To be completely honest, the noise made by small kids in the nice restaurants we frequented on Friday and Saturday nights annoyed me. Their oblivious parents annoyed me even more. If we happened to eat at a family-friendly place (think Red Robin, Applebees, etc.), then kid noise from the next table over didn't bother me. I expected it there. But, as this respondent says, I wouldn't go to Chuck E. Cheese expecting a romantic, quiet meal with my husband, and I likewise wouldn't cart my brood into a fancy bistro and expect everyone else there to just deal with the squeals, giggle fits, and loud demands for "MORE BREAD NOW!". I believe that there are some places that should remain for adults only.

Of course, my feelings may stem from the fact that when I eat in a restaurant, I actually want to enjoy my meal. I didn't prepare it, I didn't have to serve it, and as such, I want to savor the meal as the rare treat that it is (or at least savor it as much as any mother of three can). If I were to bring my young family to a fancy place, I would be so concerned about maintaining order and quiet, I know there would be little-to-no food enjoyment going on. A meal at Friendly's though? Much less stressful, since chances are the family at the booth next to mine has kids as loud (or louder) than my own.

This man comes across as clearly anti-child. From his tone and his word choice, he thinks kids don't have a place in the public sphere, and that's ridiculous. But I do agree with him in that families with little kids should choose family-friendly establishments when dining out.

What do you think?

As an aside, I suspect this man's restaurant business would not have survived year one (let alone for 100 years) by turning away couples with kids at the door.

[Lis Garrett]

As a family, we don't go anywhere nicer than Applebee's, Chili's, or Friendly's. But when it's just me and my husband, and we choose someplace 'fancy', I don't want to be seated near children. I *love* children; but like you pointed out, we may have made the choice to eat in a restaurant where we shouldn't have to hear anything louder than a quiet conversation.

There have been many times I've taken a misbehaving child to the van while everyone else has finished eating, even at family-friendly places. I don't want to be THAT family who everyone else is pointing at and making snide remarks. If I don't think my kids can behave reasonably well, we won't go out at all.

[Damselfly]

PS When I was working as a hostess and waitress in college, I would try to seat families together in one location as much as possible. So even casual restaurants can help customers when it comes to eating out with or without kids, too.

[Damselfly]

I wouldn't take a child to a really nice restaurant until s/he was mature enough -- which is probably a different age for every child. But I do take my son out to casual places. As you said, a kid needs to start somewhere to learn what's expected when you go out to eat.

[Kristi]

Stacey,
As you said, your kids are older than mine and are definitely at an age where they can handle eating out at an upscale place. And all of the things you mentioned (preparing them, timing the visit correctly, etc. are very important-and incidentally, I cover them in my forthcoming article on dining out with preschoolers).

I wish more parents were vigilant about curbing their small kids' behavior while eating in fine-dining restaurants. While I have seen plenty of misbehaving kids (running around the restaurant, jumping on the booth seats, screaming fits, and on one occasion, actually running into a server carrying a tray of food) I have yet to see a family pack up the kids and leave when their kids got out of control. Perhaps if I were to see more of the "cut and run" and less of the "ignore and continue eating," my feelings on the subject would be different.

[Mom24]

Wow, I would never want to go to his restaurant, with or without kids.

I guess I'm split down the middle. No, I would never take my kids to an uber-fancy restaurant (I don't want to spend that kind of money on having them not eat) but we have taken them to upscale restaurants and had them do fine. We went at a time we knew they were less likely to be busy, we prepared them ahead of what to expect, both in terms of behavior and menu, we didn't hesitate to ask for the check when we were served so that exiting could be on our terms.

My younger kids are older than yours so my situation is different, but I think it's good for them to experience different settings, different social situations.

You definitely have to choose your experience carefully and respect your fellow diners, but to say never take kids to a fine dining establishment? No.