Bye, Bye Baby?

[Kristi]

My mom stayed with us for seven weeks following the birth of the twins last October. She would often make comments like, "I wish I could take Isabella (my two-year-old daughter) to the museum/park/out to lunch." She attended her high school reunion, and came back wistfully remarking how many of her former classmates had car seats in their vehicles for driving their grandchildren around town.

My husband's stepmom has also recently begun asking to take Isabella out by herself in her car.

Although I would certainly appreciate the break, I'm just not comfortable with anyone other than me and my husband driving our children.

Perhaps it's because I'm relatively new at this parenthood thing. Perhaps it's because I'm a neurotic control-freak. Perhaps it's because they're just so young still. Perhaps it's because while I love and trust my family, I can't fathom placing my children's little lives into anyone's hands but my own and their father's.

When I was about 10 years old, a friend of my grandma's was driving her granddaughter home to her mother's house. This woman was in a minor car accident, which wasn't her fault, and which caused only minor damage to her vehicle. When she turned around to look in the backseat of her car to ensure her granddaughter was okay, she saw that the 7-year-old girl was unresponsive. Although the accident was minor and the woman was unharmed, her granddaughter suffered severe brain damage from the accident. After spending months in the hospital in a coma, her grandmother turned a room in her home into a hospital room for her granddaughter to come home to. The little girl lived in a barely responsive state for over 10 years, and then passed away due to complications from the accident. Her grandmother was grief-striken and laden with guilt, and according to my grandma, her friend was never the same after that accident.

Obviously, this is a horrible, rare tragedy. But I've never forgotten the details of this event, which took place over 20 years ago.

Maybe when my kids are older, less fragile, and don't require car seats, I'll feel differently. And when they start attending school and making friends, other adults will probably pick them up from my house and drop them off at school or take them to their houses for playdates.

But for right now, I don't want anyone other than their parents driving my children.

I'm curious. What are your feelings on the subject?

[The Queen]

Lis, you made me spit tea on my computer.. I really wasn't expecting that...

"This is my third kid. He can eat nails for all I care."

[Damselfly]

I've never thought about this because it hasn't been an issue. My parents don't live nearby, and my husband's are 30 minutes away and don't watch our son. We kind of feel it isn't fair for them to have to drive that distance back and forth, so...

But I'm with Tracey, it's your children, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. :)

[Tracey Becker]

It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. Whatever you feel is right for you guys is how you should do things. Whether you have 1 child or 10, you are allowed to make the rules for your own family. I hate to use the classifications of "oh, she's a first time parent, so she's overprotective" because that seems limiting, to me. Also, I hated it when people would use that type of generalization when I am particular about issues.

[Farmer's Wife/Glass_Half_Full]

Kristi, I TOTALLY get you. Completely. Are we neurotic? I don't know. I remember when my SIL had her first child. I hadn't had children yet. She is an EXTREME control freak but for some of the wrong reasons (I feel I'm validate in my issues, LOL!)

She refused to let her MIL take him anywhere. She did finally warm up and let her mom (my MIL) take him places. She just has issues with that and with her in-laws as well, I guess.

Then, came along my two children -- not twins -- but 16 months apart. I was nursing one while growing the second. ;-) Anyhow, I do on ocassion let my MIL and my FIL take my son to the ranch (my son is now seven and my nephew is nine). Though, I'm extremely nervous about it.

And, MIL has picked them up from school once or twice when an issue arose such as being tied up with my Mom's medical appts. I love my own Mom but would never let her drive, keep, or watch my children. Awful, I know. But, that's just how I feel.

My BFF is also Godparent to the kiddos. Though, when they spend the night, she keeps them at the house to entertain them because she knows I'm extremely uncomfortable with someone else driving them.

It's not that I don't trust the people I love and who love my children; it's more -- if something happened on their watch? Not only would I have the grief over my child, but I'd have ill feelings toward myself and I'm afraid I might somehow blame that person as well as myself.

Our children are so important to us. My BFF/Godparent to the kids lost her son in an accident one foggy night. She buried him on his 23rd birthday. I'm crushed every time I think about it. I knew him since he was 11 or 12. So, you do what you feel comfortable with and don't feel guilty about it.

You'll feel worse if you aren't ready and you let them go. Lis made a good point about riding with them somewhere first. But, in the end it comes down to how you feel inside.

[Kristin Olson]

I let my parents drive the kids, and pretty much anyone other than my husband's family. I don't trust them as far as I can throw them, so they aren't even allowed to babysit the kids.

But I think every mom/dad/family needs to do what is best for them. And if that is what you are comfortable with, then I wouldn't let someone talk you out of it.

[Kristi]

Good points, Stacey, Queen, and Lis. I don't consider myself an overprotective mom, but I am "tightly wound" (or so I've been told) so surrendering control over my children's safety to someone else would be a hug leap for me. However, as you said Lis, no matter what you do to protect your child, sometimes he/she will get hurt.

I think I would let my mom drive Isabella to the park if I was in the car with them. Logically, I know this makes no difference in the situation, but it would help me feel better about it, I think.

Something to consider for sure.

[Lis Garrett]

Queen ~ your story reminds me of a time, long ago, when I was teaching the preschool Sunday School class. We were serving popcorn as a snack and I asked every parent who entered if his or her child was allowed to have popcorn (we had alternate snacks available). This one mom looked at me and said, "This is my third kid. He can eat nails for all I care."

[Lis Garrett]

Kristi ~ I agree with Mom24 about the carseats. I've always installed the carseats myself because with all the buckles and belts and harnesses (not to mention the strength it takes to really secure one in place), I'm not sure my MIL would be able to do it to my satisfaction. If you installed a carseat in your mother's or MIL's car, at least you know the seat would be restrained properly.

[The Queen]

Being a first time parent is so hard. Here is a story that may help you see, it gets easier with time..and children..

My best friend showed up at her Grandmother in Laws with her first born. The Child was a toddler at the time. Granny gave little toddler a cracker to eat. (keep in mind, granny kept her house spotless). Little toddler drops the cracker on the clean floor and Granny picks it up to hand it back.. Mommy flies from her chair to intercept the cracker.

She asks Granny what she thinks she is doing feeding her child something that has been on the floor. Granny smiles and says sorry honey,, I forgot this is your first baby...

Fast forward several years..

Best friend shows up at Granny's ... now.. three babies in tow...

As we go to the door to meet her we see this..

Mommy has one baby in her arms and two in tow. Middle child is eating a cooking as they start to walk across the drive.. Middle child drops the cookie in the grass...

Mommy bends down,, picks up the cookie..hands it to middle child as she wipes the babies nose with the tail of her shirt..

Trust me honey... it's gonna get easier as they grow.. We promise.. until then,, you can only do what makes you feel like a good Mom..

[Mom24]

For me, it depends very much on the person doing the driving. My parents were always in the camp of 'who needs car seats? You never had a carseat.' That still makes me crazy, and for many, many years, all the way through my first two children's childhoods, they were not allowed to have them in the car. I do let them occasionally take J&J now, but that's because J&J are in booster seats, can buckle themselves and are well-trained in the importance of car seats. I do not let anyone take my kids without car seats, nor are their friends allowed in my car without a car seat. Not a popular stance, believe it or not, among the parents of their friends, now that they're 6 and 8.

I take Matt and Lily in the car, and I am always very, very careful about car seat use--making sure it's installed and used properly. It's a great responsibility to have kids in the car, yours or someone elses, and I take it very seriously.

If you feel like your mom and mother-in-law support that fact, and if you feel like with training they will use the car seats properly, I think you should let them take her. It might help if you install the car seat, you might feel better about it. It can truly be a special bond for them to be able to take her on outings and adventures and hat will only enhance both your lives. Still, if it makes you too uncomfortable, skip it. You're not doing anything detrimental to Isabella by not doing it, and ultimately, your feelings are the ones that matter most, in my opinion.