At the risk of sharing too much information . . .

[Lis Garrett]

Aside from the fact of having ushered three children *almost* completely through each stage of potty training, and despite how usually nonchalant I am about these things, my youngest daughter's pooping habits are about to drive me insane.

Bridget will be four years old on July 5th, and yet she still demands to poop in a diaper. Whenever she has to 'go', I *always* suggest she sit on the potty. Yet she refuses, telling me she's scared. Neither of my other kids had problems pooping into the potty, so I'm at a loss as to how to approach this problem. After a decade of changing one kid or another's diaper, I just want to be done already!

But what's worse is that Bridget occasionally withholds, and then she finds herself stuck in a vicious cycle of belly aches and a sore bum. She eats A LOT of fruit, so I know she's not constipated. When she does this, though, all of my energy is focused on trying to make her feel better and just POOP.

Any suggestions as to WHY she might be doing this and how I can get her to go in the potty for once and for all?

[Debbie Yost]

I recently had a daycare provider friend asking a similar question (same age even)! Here is the advice given by the "experts"

Mine was, let her clean herself up. If she insists on going in the diaper, then she needs to clean it up. I had a family member's child was doing this and the moment he was in charge of cleaning the mess, he changed his mind about the toilet. It is the natural consequence of her decision. You are not being mean. It goes along the lines of "Love and Logic" and Conscious Discipline.

Another provider suggested that in a daycare setting there is peer pressure (I realize this is not your case): "He will soon have friends at 4 that will hurt his feelings (most likely) that will tell him in their own way he is too big to wear a diaper or poop in his pants. I say back off with the pressure and the rewards which are not working (right?) and let him make the decision to be big or not. You want it so bad, he is doing a power play and he is winning because he does have the control over this matter where he puts the poop. Make sense?"

What the provider did and result: "This is what I did: Yesterday, I told the little guy that if he needed to poop, that he would have to go to the bathroom on his own, because I would be too busy to help. So, at quiet time, he went up on his own & pooped on the bathroom floor. I had him clean up his pants, I cleaned the mess. I figure we're a step closer. Today, I told him the same thing. At quiet time he went upstairs again. I peeked in, and there he was - finishing up! Poop in toilet, clean pants on child. Success"

Hope this helps.

[Lis Garrett]

If I tell her that I'm not going to put a diaper on her, that's when she begins to withhold. I think that's where the power struggle comes into play. And then she is so miserable physically - listless, belly aches - that I can't bear it. I'll stick a diaper on her and give her lots of prunes, pears and apples just to get her to go. I really try NOT to make a big deal out of it. She often tells me, "When I'm 4, I'll go in the potty." It's been awhile since she's withheld, but I've realized just recently that I've been putting more 'pressure' on her to go in the potty.

I honestly think that she will make herself sick from withholding before she goes on the potty. Or, she will get a diaper and strap it on herself. She has before!

Lots to consider . . .

Thanks for the reply!

Debbie Yost said:

I recently had a daycare provider friend asking a similar question (same age even)! Here is the advice given by the "experts"

Mine was, let her clean herself up. If she insists on going in the diaper, then she needs to clean it up. I had a family member's child was doing this and the moment he was in charge of cleaning the mess, he changed his mind about the toilet. It is the natural consequence of her decision. You are not being mean. It goes along the lines of "Love and Logic" and Conscious Discipline.

Another provider suggested that in a daycare setting there is peer pressure (I realize this is not your case): "He will soon have friends at 4 that will hurt his feelings (most likely) that will tell him in their own way he is too big to wear a diaper or poop in his pants. I say back off with the pressure and the rewards which are not working (right?) and let him make the decision to be big or not. You want it so bad, he is doing a power play and he is winning because he does have the control over this matter where he puts the poop. Make sense?"

What the provider did and result: "This is what I did: Yesterday, I told the little guy that if he needed to poop, that he would have to go to the bathroom on his own, because I would be too busy to help. So, at quiet time, he went up on his own & pooped on the bathroom floor. I had him clean up his pants, I cleaned the mess. I figure we're a step closer. Today, I told him the same thing. At quiet time he went upstairs again. I peeked in, and there he was - finishing up! Poop in toilet, clean pants on child. Success"

Hope this helps.

[Mommy Meryl]

Wow. ..Allie was like that, but only for a few months. She was scared to poop on the toilet - even though peeing was just fine. But it was only like a 2 month delay. And it was bribery that worked. She was 3 and in preschool and someone had a Dora backpack that she was dying for - or wait, I think it was Jo Jo the Circus Clown. Anyways - once I held that bone out to her, I think she pooped like the next day. Clearly when she wanted it bad enough, it came. . .maybe try that with Bridgett. Or run out of diapers. Have a "pooping on the potty party". You can go to dollar store and get a bunch of "junk" and wrap it. Tell her that lots of presents are waiting for her when she poops on the potty and tell her that you will have a party when she goes - and get a cake for you guys. Then if none of that work. .. go with Debbie's idea! :-) That just sounds awful to me. . .but probably because fortunately, I know this is going to sound weird - but other than in diapers and blow out in diapers I have never had to clean up any kind of poop mess from Allie - so I guess it just grosses me out and I can't imagine making a kid do it.

[Debbie Yost]

I know you have had problems with Bridget withholding and that is a real concern. I say make the diapers available (or pullups if she will use those) and put it all in her hands. I'm guessing once she has to start cleaning it all up and she's getting NO response from you or attention, things will change. I know it's gross, like Meryl said, but hey, the other day I had to clean a toilet seat that my almost 7 year old had tried to clean on her own. It's not like you won't be done with it anytime soon.

Now, if you could light that fire under me so I can get my kid potty trained. I talk a good talk, but my follow through is sometimes lacking!

[Julia]

My 14 year old went through this. I can remember being in the airport in Florida and having to put a diaper on him so he would go.

He was terrified of the toilet - but didn't verbalize it.

We asked the doctor and he said it was a control issue and we had to wait him out. So, we did. He withheld, had the tummy aches, you name it. He pooped his pants and then one time went on the floor in front of the toilet. I gave up on that. Honestly, I used to tell my hubby that it was at the point that I felt like I was changing an adult's diaper!!!

We bribed him with a remote control toy fire truck that he wanted...but it still took a while. When he finally sat down to try for me, he was shaking like a leaf - and that's when I realized he was terrified. Now - remember - he had no problem sitting down and going pee-pee on the potty. It was really weird.

She'll get there.

[Lis Garrett]

The bribes totally do not work. Bridget is into baby dolls BIG time. There's one at Target she wants in the worst way, and I once told her that if she would go poop on the potty, I'd get it for her. She just shook her head and said, "Well I don't want it then." Other than that, I haven't been able to find her 'currency'.

Bridget WAS going poop in the potty for about a week, but she reverted. I know she'll get there. It's basically me just being sick of the whole diaper and wipes routine. LOL!

Julia said:

My 14 year old went through this. I can remember being in the airport in Florida and having to put a diaper on him so he would go.

He was terrified of the toilet - but didn't verbalize it.

We asked the doctor and he said it was a control issue and we had to wait him out. So, we did. He withheld, had the tummy aches, you name it. He pooped his pants and then one time went on the floor in front of the toilet. I gave up on that. Honestly, I used to tell my hubby that it was at the point that I felt like I was changing an adult's diaper!!!

We bribed him with a remote control toy fire truck that he wanted...but it still took a while. When he finally sat down to try for me, he was shaking like a leaf - and that's when I realized he was terrified. Now - remember - he had no problem sitting down and going pee-pee on the potty. It was really weird.

She'll get there.

[robin]

Cassidy just didn't want to be in the bathroom for any significant amount of time. I bought her a CD player and some books on CD, and then she'd sit on the potty as long as you'd let her.... and sometimes, she'd poop! Yay! And then we'd go to the library and get her some new books on CD.

Of course, then the problem became 20 minute poops in a one bathroom house.... Still working on that one.

[Trish (wheresthebox)]

If she's going to be four in under a month and says she will go then, I would probably not push it right now. Maybe you can put it on the calendar together and plan for it.

I don't know how serious she was about this (I only know from Michael that if he said something like that he would follow through), but if she is, then it's not that far away!

[Kathleen W.]

Is she going on the "big" potty? Maybe the pipes and hole scare her, thinking she'll be flushed away? I'm wondering if you could use a kiddie potty, if you haven't, to try and transition her out of the diaper. At least they don't have the pipe or the sometimes loud sound of the flush. It would be easier for you, not using diapers, and maybe it would help her eventually move to the bigger toilet.

I'm really talking out my you-know-what here (pun intended) since I'm still a ways away from potty training.